Recap: Liz & Dick

Grant Bowler and Lindsay Lohan in Liz & Dick. (Lifetime)
Grant Bowler and Lindsay Lohan in Liz & Dick. (Lifetime)

Nicole and I watched Lifetime’s Liz & Dick live while playing Go Fug Yourself’s drinking game. The results were – much like the movie – not pretty. Below is our IM conversation:

Nicole: I’m ready with my bottle of Sibling Rivalry wine.

Jen: Nice – I’m drinking an aptly named gamay nouveau called The Fool.

Nicole: “Based on a true story”… I’m already laughing.

Jen: Grant Bowler used to be on a cheesy New Zealand soap called Adrenalin Junkies. I never would’ve guessed that’d be his career high.

Nicole: Lindsay’s mole is going to KILL me.

Jen: Oh sweet Jesus, is she trying an accent?!

Nicole: It’s more like too much enunciation.

Jen: First drink! “Lilo’s eye makeup is more compelling than her acting.” And now take another drink because they just mentioned the paparazzi.

Nicole: And he quoted Shakespeare. We need to drink whenever “Grant Bowler is forced to quote Shakespeare, Donne, or anyone else you’d have read in English 101, because RICHARD BURTON IS OF THE STAGE!!!!”

Jen: Elizabeth Taylor had a high voice. Lilo sounds like she woke up and immediately pounded 3 packs of cigarettes.

Nicole: There’s a drink cart in this scene. Drink!

Jen: Lilo is playing someone who knows her lines better than her costars. I can’t suspend my disbelief this much.

Nicole: She’s wearing a head scarf. Drink!

Jen: Dammit – I almost need to refill my glass already and we’re only 11 mins in!

Nicole: It’s lovely that she’s actually grinding him while shooting the Cleopatra sex scene.

Jen: Ha! The Fug Girls just tweeted, “I love that these two are stunned STUNNED that Antony and Cleopatra have a love scene. SPOILER!!!”

Nicole: I’m super worried that I’m going to see Richard’s lady parts in his Antony costume. Those are short skirts!

Jen: That might actually make this movie better.

Nicole: Drink! Paparazzi mention!

Jen: IT’S CREED FROM THE OFFICE! Why is he in this movie?!

Nicole: Her dress is gorg. Purse too. But I wonder if she tried to steal that necklace her character just got?

Jen: Damn, he just quoted John Dunne AND Coleridge! Drink.

Nicole: And now he’s wearing a toga. Drink.

Jen: So much drinking already….

Nicole: We are super good at this!

Jen: She just gave him a John Donne book. Was this movie financed by Donne’s estate?

Nicole: There’s another drink cart. Drink.

Jen: I’m only going to refer to Lilo as “Dumpy” from now on.

Nicole: And yet another drink cart. Drink.

Jen: Ewww! Richard just said, “I don’t need the pool. I’ve got a whole ocean in you.”

Nicole: Fur hat AND throwing glass AND drink cart. So much drinking to do…

Jen: This movie jumps around so much it feels like it’s been edited by a blind guy on meth.

Nicole: Who wrote this!?!

Jen: Don’t know, but I can’t imagine anyone actually admitting to it.

Nicole: I’m good until the next commercial break, then I’m quitting this show. I’Il never survive the whole thing.

Jen: I would too but I just can’t look away!!

Nicole: Richard is Welsh? That’s the accent he’s supposed to be doing?!

Jen: I guess. Dumpy looks so bloaty in the flash-forward scenes.

Nicole: I wish gloves would be a thing again.

Jen: I really hope Lilo stole her entire wardrobe from the set.

Nicole: The paps are back. Drink!

Jen: Is it wrong that I want to see Dumpy attempt Hamlet?

Nicole: I want to see Slut on a Hot Tin Roof.

Jen: Turban – drink!

Nicole: Another scene, another turban. Drink!

Jen: She really does look great in this movie but I’m drinking so much, the TV screen’s getting blurry.

Nicole: Obvs. You just said she looks great.

Jen: Steve from Sex and the City just showed up!

Nicole: Oh, poor Steve!

Jen: I’m toasting his career downturn.

Nicole: Did Richard just call Liz a “butterball”?

Jen: Yeah, I’m getting a body complex just listening to him.

Nicole: Where did all these children climbing on the bed come from?

Jen: I really hope they’re all theirs. They might have just drunkenly stole some kids one night.

Nicole: It’s like the Von Trapps.

Jen: Head scarf. Drink!

Nicole: And yet another head scarf. Drink!

Jen: So they’re supposed to be fat now? They look exactly the same. Were there no fat suits in the wardrobe budget?

Nicole: That’s it; I’m out. I can’t take anymore.

Jen: It’s almost over. I just can’t stop.

Nicole: Oh dear. Good luck!

Jen: There’s 25 minutes left, which works out to only about 75 more sips for me. Yay!

Jen McDonnell is an entertainment freelancer and social media specialist. She put her celeb stalking skills to good use as managing editor of Likes: pop culture, celebrity dirt, guilty pleasure TV, George Clooney, cheese. Dislikes: people who use 'begs the question' incorrectly. Follow Jen on Twitter @jen_mcdonnell. Follow Jen

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