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Brangelina

Brangelina Split, but Jennifer Aniston Gets All The Covers?

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-UPDATE: Brad Pitt is reportedly being investigated for child abuse after allegedly getting verbally and physically abusive on a private plane with his family last week. More to come, but I guess we know what that inciting “incident” Us Weekly keeps talking about is…

-Tabloids deserve all the eyerolls today. Brangelina‘s split news dropped too late for most to change this week’s covers, so the lower-tiered ones are stuck running their typical (*cough* false *cough*) stories about Jennifer Aniston. Except for the New York Post, who inexplicably ran their Brangelina split cover today — and didn’t feature a photo of Brangelina. Not surprisingly, the online reaction was swift and punishing. I’m wondering how long it’ll take Aniston to ask to remove herself from this narrative?

-I actually thought that if anyone had a chance to rush a new cover to press before their Tuesday deadline it’d be People, but it looks like they were stuck with their Michael Strahan one. At least were in for some deep dives across the newsstand next week.

-Oh my god, I didn’t even think about how the split is going to affect Brangelina’s Miravel rosé. But that’s my summer water!

-Just in case you weren’t already convinced that Brad Pitt was blindsided, here’s footage of CNN breaking the divorce news to George Clooney.

-Meanwhile, I love Lainey’s acutely sharp insight into how Pitt is floundering without being the beneficiary of Angelina Jolie‘s media savvy. He’s going to need to tighten up if he’s fighting for joint custody, as TMZ is reporting.

Chelsea Handler weighed in on the split by saying “he married a ***king lunatic.” Not that she’s biased or anything.

-Also, I’m going to really, really need Jam Session to drop an emergency Brangelina podcast stat.

-In other couple news, Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes’ camps have shot down Us Weekly’s report that they are secretly married. Gawd Hollywood, can’t you give us one thing to hold onto this week?!

-Ok, let’s turn to happier topics, shall we? Like Parks and Rec’s Jean-Ralphio meeting his doppelganger, Stranger Things’ Steve.

Idris Elba is going to be on TV again. Just pour this show directly into my eyeballs ASAP.

Joss Whedon recruited stars from Buffy, Avengers, Greys Anatomy, Blindspot and more for a predictably great anti-Trump PSA. And he returned to Twitter!

Gabrielle Union continues to impress the hell out of me on her Birth of a Nation press tour. “In order to begin to see change start to occur, we have to be willing to have conversations with people who have different opinions than us. I’ve already talked to Lena Dunham; I would love to talk to Kate Upton and Amy Schumer. Maybe I can help to explain the oppressive systems that have benefited and allowed them to say these careless, insensitive and offensive things. Those conversations are awkward as f-ck and they get heated.”

Uma Thurman is the latest movie star to make the jump to TV.

-Folk aren’t impressed with Karen Gillan‘s ‘sexist’ Jumanji outfit, but she insists there’s a reason why she’s wearing child-sized clothes.

-How come this is the first I’m hearing about Netflix’s Easy, a show that drops tomorrow starring Aya Cash, Dave Franco, Hannibal Buress, Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Jake Johnson from the guy who did Drinking Buddies??  I love all of those people! This is the issue of peak TV meeting Netflix’s revulsion for promotion – stuff gets lost in the shuffle.

-I spent a lot of time staring at the McQueen dress Emily Blunt wore to The Girl On The Train premiere and trying to figure out if I like it or not. I think so?  Ask me again in five minutes and I might not.

-My stance on Felicity Jones’ terrible dress at the Burberry show is much less conflicted.

Leah Remini is teaming up with A&E for a new series on Scientology. Here for it.

-Intriguing: Jeffrey Tambor says he has “marching orders” to return to the Arrested Development set in January.

-I love that Chris Pratt braiding interviewers’ hair is now a thing. (Also, Denzel is in a way better mood in this video than he seemed at TIFF.)

-This is really great writing on The Ringer this week celebrating the types of TV that critics tend to ignore. As much as I like Atlanta, Mr Robot, etc., I’m most looking forward to the return of superheroes and soapy dramas.

-This new Anne of Green Gables trailer is…something.

-Yes, Ryan Gosling plays a keytard in La La Land. Him posing with it while biting his lower lip –as well as the scene where Emma Stone forces him to perform “I Ran” — is pure delight.

Gosling, Kate Hudson and Hugh Grant read mean tweets about themselves on Kimmel last night.

Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and Janelle Monáe get their math on in the new Hidden Figures trailer. People who saw this at TIFF loved it.

Brangelina Drops Divorce Bombshell

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-Ok, it’s been a few hours. Have you processed it yet? Has it sunk in? Brangelina is no more. It’s sad and it sucks for the kids and no one wants to revel in that part of it. So let’s focus on the interesting part: the media strategy. Keep your Kardashians and your Swifts; Angelina Jolie just delivered a bruising reminder that she’s the ultimate image master. This was no conscious uncoupling, no talk of how it’s amicable. She wants to grab her kids and get out, and to do so she’s inviting us all up in her business to make sure that happens. Sources that seem to come from her camp imply she’s nervous about Brad Pitt‘s parenting skills, citing substance abuse and anger issues, and she wants you to know it. According to People the split happened five days ago, but she held on until after all the Emmy coverage died down, waiting until editors on both coasts were at their desks before she dropped the bombshell.

The way she did it, with a pitbull lawyer, a request for joint legal custody but sole *physical* custody, and the implied allegations that burn it all to the ground, makes me doubt all the recent gossip about her drug use. Because if she thought he had anything on her, anything that would jeopardize her sole custody request, would she have gone after him this hard?

So what about the Marion Cotillard of it all? Despite Page Six’s affair report (and numerous blind items over the summer), multiple sources are insisting Pitt’s costar had nothing to do with it. (Though judging by all the ‘serves her right’ slut-shaming I saw today on Twitter from Aniston stans, Jolie would do well to avoid any cheating narrative.)

It sounds like they’d been having issues for a while; People is reporting that the fighting between Jolie and Pitt got so bad this year that he fled to France multiple times to escape it. Us Weekly is reporting an “incident’ last week involving Pitt that prompted Jolie to take action. Based on his weak sauce statement today, he clearly didn’t have the time to strategize that she did.

Another interest angle is how TMZ has positioned themselves this summer. Yes, they were once again the first to break the story, but they are clearly in Jolie’s camp (much like they were in Johnny Depp’s earlier). Their claims that Pitt’s weed consumption was a factor is eye-rolling. (That he’s a notorious pothead couldn’t have come as news to her — unless the rumours that he’s drinking more and maybe graduated to harder stuff are true). Still, at what point are readers going to start seeing TMZ as just a front for narratives constructed by one side’s lawyers? Personally, I’m keeping my eye on Us Weekly for being the one to lead the coverage, as they clearly have a good inside source. The mag got the earliest credible tip that there was trouble in paradise (in a story that weirdly never appeared online, only in print, back in June).

Also, it what might actually be the worst timing in history, Pitt and Cotillard’s new movie trailer just landed, which depicts them falling in love. Did Jolie know that was dropping today? At this point, I’m putting nothing past her. Let us all bow down to the master.

-On the plus side, maybe Jennifer Aniston will finally no longer be cast as some kind of sad “poor her” figure we should pity? She’s certainly having a big meme day.

-In way happier news, Lin-Manuel Miranda is on the new cover of GQ!

-I don’t praise Gwyneth Paltrow often (ever?) but she was interviewed in today’s Lenny and I love her statements about the double-standard in celebrity brand expansion and how no one ever questions all the projects Ashton Kutcher or JJ Abrams take on: “Of course they’re not. They’re not asking Ryan Murphy that, and he has more irons in the fire than anyone. Everybody wants you in the caricature of you if you’re a woman…I was genuinely surprised at the vitriol. I mean, honestly, I sent this nothing [GOOP] issue from my kitchen that had a recipe and two things in it, or maybe it was just a recipe. I don’t even remember. It had nothing in it, and the New York Times wrote maybe a four-page article. It’s unbelievable. The response was totally bananas.”

Jared Leto just got cast in a new Andy Warhol biopic. You know, the guy who harassed his costars and shit-talked his movie before even seeing it? Yeah, let’s reward that.

-Oh jesus. Friends of Jim Carrey‘s late girlfriend says she married a Scientologist as part of an immigration scam.

-Sweet! FX just renewed Atlanta and Better Things. Donald Glover‘s new show may be getting all the press, but don’t sleep on Pamela Aldon.

-Speaking of under-the-radar TV, have you watched Fleabag yet? I knew I was going to love this show when one character told another she looked tired, and she responded “Yes, I’m successful.” In any case, this interview with the creator and star is delightful.

-Mr Robot’s Portia Doubleday spent the entire Emmys looking for Beyonce. Same.

Jimmy Fallon followed up his bad Trump interview with a bad Clinton one. This was a good take on the state of election-driven late-night comedy and his place within that.

Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence enjoy sexy times in space in the new Passengers trailer.

Shocking: Zooey Deschanel’s Baby Name Is Quirky

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Zooey Deschanel and her husband Jacob Pechenik have named their daughter Elsie Otter. In real life.

Jaden Smith is straight up trolling us now.

-Even Mulder is starting to have his doubts in The X Files’ new trailer (which, unlike yesterday’s promos, seems official).

Bill Murray showed up on Jimmy Kimmel Live looking like this last night, for reasons unknown.

-And here I thought The Royal We news was going to be the biggest thing to happen to Lauren Graham this week, and then came the Gilmore Girls revival news. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. I love love love that show (and not just because my review was blurbed on the DVD box set!), but I’m not sure they’ll be able to capture the magic of the original. I adore this line from the NYT article: “Netflix has become a digital ‘Peter Pan’: If you clap hard enough and believe, your beloveds never have to die.”

-Like the rest of us, Amy Adams wishes she was cool enough to hang out with Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence.

Missy Peregrym‘s farewell to the Rookie Blue cast is really quite sweet.

Gerard Butler was at the Jays game last night? I’m guessing he wasn’t sitting in the nosebleeds like us.

Kanye West surprised the internet with these two semi-new, really nostalgic tracks.

Drake surprised the internet with a new video — and made us all appreciate his sweater game.

-Slate’s interviews with writers/showrunners about what it’s like to be a POC in Hollywood is a fascinating read.

Lena Dunham launched a new podcast called Women of the Hour, where she’ll speak with Emma Stone, Janet Mock, June Squibb (!!!), Zadie Smith, and more.

Ryan Sweeting is asking Kaley Cuoco for spousal support following their divorce news.

-There was a shakeup at SNL today when Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost stepped down as head writer. Is this because he someone made Amy Schumer unfunny?

-I still have no idea what The Force Awakens is going to be about, but the new trailer is pretty damn fun. Daisy Ridley and John Boyega’s reactions video to the trailer are also awesome.

-This Beyond the Sea featurette shows Brangelina getting ready for a night out. If the entire film is just two hours of this, I’d still watch.