(My BFF Nicole and I drank lots of wine and IM’d during the Golden Globes red carpet. Blame the typos on a lovely 2009 Riesling…)
Nicole: Julianne Hough‘s dress does not scream amazing. It screams Monique Lhuillier was high when she made it.
Jen: Speaking of messes, Debra Messing is overwhelmed by the huge bottom of her Donna Karen gown.
Nicole: That dress is ruching gone overboard. And I NEVER want to see Nicole Richie’s blue Naeem Khan dress again. Ever.
Jen: Nicole’s matchy-matchy eyeshadow puts it over the top. But I’m LOVING Claire Danes‘ red Versace dress. (Also loving the fact that she dropped the word “Toronto” about 9 times in her interview with Ryan Seacrest.)
Nicole: It’s safe to say nude/gold is a trend…
Jen: Yup. I’m not sure about all the nude dresses. Amy Adams fades away in a too-pale Marchesa. Megan Fox fares a bit better wearing blush Dolce & Gabanna.
Nicole: Side boobs on Katharine McPhee in Thyskens Theory. Are we doing a drinking game? ‘Cause that’s definitely a “drink” moment!
Jen: I’m always playing a drinking game. I don’t know about Katharine — it’s like she’s is trying (and failing) to convince us she’s a sexpot.
Nicole: Great shoes, though!
Jen: I think I’m just biased to hate anything associated with her. Just like I’m going to try to love whatever Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are wearing tonight — even if it’s terrible.
Nicole: Why is Zooey Deschanel posing like that?! She keeps looking like she’s trying to be Wonder Woman.
Jen: I’m not sure about Zooey’s red Oscar de la Renta dress. It comes out at the hips in an unflattering way.
Nicole: The dress is ok but the pearls are terrible and the nails are embarrassing.
Jen: Sweet jebus, did you see Zooey’s shoes yet?! She’s really striking out accessory-wise.
Jen: Oh no. Is Amy Poehler wearing a tux? I might have to hate it after all! The length of the pants are just odd. I’m hoping for some costume changes from her throughout the night.
Nicole: I like it. Sexy, sexy! Tina Fey looks lovely, which for her is actually great.
Jen: Tina’s hair and dress are perfection.
Nicole: I wish Amy’s hair was better. It’s too severe.
Jen: Amy Poehler walks in heels like I do! (Which is to say very badly.)
Nicole: Her shoes are good! They look like some Boss ones I was just looking at.
Jen: Hmmm…I can’t decide if I like Lena Dunham‘s dress or not.
Nicole: Lena looks amazing, for real. I’m shocked. It’s beautifully cut and so, so flattering.
Nicole: Gotta tell you, I love it on her. I’m also liking Helen Hunt.
Jen: Hayden Panettiere looks bridal in Cavalli.
Nicole: The beading on Hayden’s dress is lovely, but the mermaid trend is so over. I’m over it.
Jen: Yup. Same with the bottom on Amy Adams’ dress. Move on from this trend, Hollywood!
Nicole: The waist on Julia Louis Dreyfus‘ Vera Wang gown is weird. Not flattering.
Jen: Yeah, which is too bad because I love the print. But the waistline on her Vera Wang dress is weirdly high. She’s winning me over with her tiny birthday cake story, though. Also, she’s 52! How is that even possible?
Nicole: I’m pretty underwhelmed so far. Lots of pretty dresses but no real “wow” ones. Katherine McPhee took a risk, but she isn’t important enough to matter.
Jen: I think the only one I’ve been wowed by so far is Claire Danes, but that’s mostly because she looks like that after having a baby less than a month ago.
Nicole: It’s quite sickening (says the girl who tried on bathing suits all day).
Jen: Yeah, I’m really regretting my third popcorn dinner of the week after seeing her.
Nicole: Mayim Bialik‘s makeup is pretty but that dress….
Jen: Sadly, it’s probably the best thing she’s ever worn.
Nicole: Every damn dress on the red carpet looks like it’s Marchesa or Monique Lhuillier. Too much pouf!
Jen: Ouch! Getty Images just mislabelled Michelle Dockery from Downton Abbey as Rumer Willis! That’s gonna leave a mark.
Nicole: Lucy Liu looks gorg.
Jen: I LOVE her dress.
Jen: I can’t believe I like a Carolina Herrera dress. This is freaking me out. Am I turning into Renee Zellweger?
Nicole: But it’s so, so lovely. On the other hand, I hate Jessica Chastain‘s Calvin Klein baby blue dress.
Jen: The fabric on the boobs makes her look droopy. Too bad because I like the colour.
Nicole: It’s so clearly taped on the side. It looks like it was intended for someone with a longer torso.
Jen: Yeah, it should be lower in the back, no?
Nicole: Stupid shoes, too.
Jen: Ewwww! Emily Mortimer just jumped to the top of my worst dressed list!
Nicole: She’s right up there with Jodie Foster in Armani.
Jen: I was too distracted by watching Bradley Cooper fanboying over Jodie to notice her dress.
Nicole: She looks like a shapeless robot.
Jen: Ohhh….Naomi Watts is doing the red trend best! Zac Posen — of course.
Nicole: It’s so conservative on the front. Meh.
Jen: I still think it’s stunning.
Nicole: Well, the train and back are great.
Jen: Yuck! Emily Blunt!! Are you seeing this??
Nicole: Wow, wow — Emily Blunt!
Jen: No. Come ON! You can’t like this dress!
Nicole: It’s super daring. I respect it more than I like it.
Jen: Emily is all about the cut-out dresses these days.
Nicole: I like Amanda Seyfried‘s Givenchy dress. She just needs a lip colour.
Jen: Yup, but what a lovely dress. It’s my favourite pale one of the night. Her hair is surprisingly undone. I like it.
Nicole: And she might actually be wearing underwear! Good for her.
Jen: Does Olivia Munn really warrant a red carpet interview? Really?
Nicole: Her Armani dress is terrible.
Jen: Wow, have Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz ever walked a carpet together before?
Jen: But have you seen the bottom of Rachel’s dress yet? Terrible lace thingie.
Nicole: Jennifer Lawrence‘s boobs are hilarious!! The dress is so similar to Zooey’s but what a terrible fit in the chest.
Jen: I’m never a fan of boob flaps but at least she’s still adorable. “This is Dior Haute Couture. I don’t really know what ‘haute’ means but I have to say it.”
Nicole: Taylor Swift stole Lena’s dress colour.
Jen: Taylor isn’t wearing anything shiny. I’m in shock. But her otherwise awesome dress has a fishtail hem. Ugh.
Nicole: Taylor’s dress is very prom-y. Beautiful fit, though.
Jen: I think I really love Nicole Kidman‘s Alexander McQueen dress.
Nicole: I’m actually medium on Kidman’s dress. It’s risky but I wish it was a colour. She does red like no one else.
Jen: Julie Bowen is in teal. Not bad, considering what she usually wears.
Nicole: Agreed. It’s somewhat like a caftan.
Jen: Rosario Dawson‘s peplum makes her look preggers.
Nicole: Snooze on Julianne Moore. Booooring. Tom Ford has done much better.
Jen: Yeah. But she does classy so well that you can’t really hate it.
Nicole: Halle Berry is amazing.
Jen: Is it weird that I think Halle’s dress looks a little dated?
Nicole: Anne Hathaway‘s Chanel dress is super boring.
Jen: That’s too bad. She’s been on a roll the past few award seasons.
Nicole: Is she pregnant? She looks thick from the side view.
Jen: Whoa, she does, doesn’t she? Let the rumours begin!
Nicole: Wow. Marion Cotillard is amazing in Dior. Loooove the hair.
Jen: Yup. And the hemline! She gets the best red of the night.
Nicole: Sienna Miller looks like she stole that Erdem outfit from her kid.
Jen: It’s quirky but too weird for this.
Nicole: Wow. Look at Juliana Margulies in Pucci!
Jen: OMG, the George Clooney/Julianna Margulies reunion is giving me goosebumps!!
Nicole: You should probably stop watching now. He’s bringing up Stacy Keibler to the stage.
Jen: Crap. I can’t even totally hate her Armani Prive dress. Crap crap crap!
Nicole: See how she looks on adoringly at him?
Jen: Ugh, let’s move on. Kate Hudson looks like she just stepped off the Dynasty set, but it’s working for her.
Nicole: Kate looks crazy good.
Jen: I can’t even focus on Jennifer Westfeldt‘s Naeem Khan dress. It’s so shiny!
Nicole: I hate her face.
Jen: Yeah, her face makes me sad. Stop messing with it!
Nicole: Hmmm…Ben Affleck is being interviewed sans Jennifer Garner. Clooney goes with up with Keibler, but Affleck needs to be alone?? Puh-lease.
Jen: Well, he no longer has to campaign since he wasn’t nominated for Best Director.
Nicole: Kerry Washington looks great in Miu Miu.
Jen: Check out Kaley Cucuo! Terrible, terrible makeup.
Nicole: Oh geez, Kaley. Last week featured on the Coveteur and this week is a mess.
Jen: Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are proving the split rumours wrong by walking the red carpet.
Nicole: That proves nothing. Only that they are not ready to announce a split.
Jen: Man, when did you become more cynical than me!?
Nicole: I blame you.
Jen: Have you seen Emily Mortimer yet? More like Emily Mortifying! (groan)
Nicole: That was terrible.
Jen: Ok, the show is about to start. Who are your picks for the worst dressed of the night?
Nicole: Jessica Chastain for her dress’s fit and Jennifer Lawrence for her boob shelf.
Jen: My picks for worst dressed are Emily Mortimer, Jessica Chastain and Emily Blunt. I was also super bummed by how bored I was by Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway and Amy Poehler.
Nicole: OK, who are your best dressed?
Jen: Lucy Liu leads the way for me, followed by Marion Cotillard, Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts, Julianna Marguiles, Tina Fey and Amanda Seyfried. You?
Nicole: I agree with you on Lucy Liu. Amanda and Marion are definitely in there. I also liked Katherine McPhee.
Jen: Yeah, you liked that one more than me. Overall, it was a pretty lacklustre carpet. I guess everyone’s saving the big guns for the Oscars (fingers crossed!).
Nicole: There was a marked lack of colour, considering that was supposed to be the big trend.
Jen: And was it just me, or was there a lot of really bad fits?
Nicole: Yup. There were too many nudes (both dresses and faces). Long, loose hair was also a major trend.
Jen: Ok, at least Tina and Amy are about to make it all better!
Nicole: Already, Tina’s opening green dress is stunning.
Jen: But what the hell is Amy wearing?!
Nicole: She’s super committed to the no-bra look tonight.
Jen: But we should all forgive her for everything thanks to this GIF of her with Clooney. Plus, the opening monologue (below) is already a classic!