Nicole and I IM’d during the Emmy red carpet. Below is our convo. (Warning: Apparently, wine makes us extra-bitchy:)
Nicole: Jessica Pare is pretty. Love the hair and lips with that Jason Wu dress. Great ring, too. Rings are a BIG thing on the Emmy carpet this year.
Jen: Agreed. She’s very old school Hollywood glam. I also like Jenna Malone in J Mendel — the neckline is very interesting.
Nicole: I’m medium on Jenna. There’s no shape. Maybe it’s because there were just three dresses in a row in the same colour?
Jen: I don’t like Hayden Panettiere in Marchesa. It screams TOGA to me. And her Nashville costar Connie Britton is doing no better in Andrew Gn. So disappointing. Her hair is terrible which is crazy, because she has the best hair in Hollywood.
Nicole: WOW. Lena Dunham looks like a lady. Lovely!
Jen: Her hair and makeup are killer, but that Prada dress is doing her no favours. But it’s very hipster with that brocade grandmother-y material, so at least she’s on brand.
Nicole: I think I really like Ginnfer Goodwin‘s Monique Lhuillier dress. Those shoes are killer! The chest area is a bit awkward, but overall, like the colour. I think she’ll stand out with that.
Jen: I’m not sold on that one. Holy crap, did you just see that shot of Elisabeth Moss? Flowered print, peplum cut Dolce & Gabbana. It’s a risk – and I think I like it!
Nicole: I haven’t seen it yet; I’m still watching boring, boring Melissa McCarthy. Oh wait, there’s Elisabeth. That’s not great. I feel like that dress would be flattering on someone with crazy curves.
Jen: OMG OMG OMG – you need to look at this Ashley Judd photo now! I can’t see the full dress, but that’s bow and hair is all I need to pass judgey judgment! No wonder she looks so angry to have her photo taken. I wouldn’t want evidence of this, either.
Nicole: HAHAHAHA. WTF is happening?
Jen: We’re back on track with January Jones, whose Zac Posen dress is INSANE! Love.
Nicole: January’s dress is cool. But that hair hanging on the side of her head is bugging me. Her mom has to come up from the bottom of the stairs, wipe some of the makeup off her eyes and loosen up that tight bun.
Jen: Her hair is terrible and I’m not feeling the makeup, but the structure of the dress is amazing. My brother just texted: “When did January Jones become a trannie?” He’s bitchier than us, if that’s possible… Speaking of being bitchy, Mayim Balik and Glenn Close are predictably terrible.
Nicole: Glenn Close looks like she tangled with scissors. I think Mayim did okay, but she looks like a mom or a bridesmaid.
Jen: I hated Mayim’s sleeves. She always dresses way too older than she should. Speaking of bridesmaids, have you seen Archie Panjabi‘s dress yet? Ugh.
Nicole: Oh, I thought she took a risk. I don’t love the side jewels, but the colour is different.
Jen: It’s a strapless, shiny blue dress. Nothing I haven’t seen before.
Nicole: I’m glad Tina Fey is not wearing black, but it’s wine like everyone else.
Jen: I still love it. Tina rarely wears colour.
Nicole: Speaking of colour, I wish Emily VanCamp’s dress was in a brighter shade, but it’s the best of the J Mendel gowns tonight. Although Heidi Klum is wearing colour, but is still meh in Alexander Voutier. That’s a Stacy Keibler dress!
Jen: Yeah, I don’t love Heidi.
Nicole: Oh, and I’m not feeling Sarah Hyland‘s Marchesa dress at all. Flowers around the neckline? And the silver eye makeup is kind of matchy. Speaking of the Modern Family ladies, I’m worried about seeing ass crack on Sofia Vergara.
Jen: Sofia’s too sequiny. But at least her ladies are under control.
Nicole: On the topic of boobs, Amy Poehler looks revenge great!
Jen: Amy is very cleavage-y in Stella McCartney.
Nicole: Julianne Hough…nope.
Jen: She looks like a fish. A fish with bad hair.
Nicole: And what’s with the lapels on her chest?
Jen: You know how I feel about boob flaps. Oh goodie – now she’s trying to convince us that she and Ryan are “romantic” together. I’m flipping over to ABC. Ohhhh….and they’re interviewing Aaron Paul, who is ADORABLE in his brown tux. Sorry, I need to spent the next 3 minutes swooning.
Nicole: Stop it. Take a breath.
Jen: I can’t. He’s SOO cute!!
Nicole: I think Julia Louis-Dreyfus is my favorite of the wine colours.
Jen: I haven’t seen her yet. I’m still drooling over Aaron (and trying to use my hand to block out my view of his fiancee). That’s not weird, right?
Nicole: Control yourself and look at Kristen Wiig. Terrible chest detail, and what on earth is happening on the front?
Jen: She just said she wanted to look like a ghost. Mission accomplished!
Nicole: I don’t hate her hair, but the dress is poop.
Jen: Folks, that’s an official fashion term: poop.
Nicole: Oh dear. Christina Hendricks and Kat Dennings must have the same boob-focused stylist.
Jen: I’m really not liking the grey. It’s just not a flattering shade on anyone. Oh god, I just saw Christina’s belt! Why?????
Nicole: From the neck up, Christina is all caps GORGEOUS. And then not.
Jen: Wow! Flip back over to ABC to see Julianne Moore in Dior Couture! I LOVE it. Who else could wear yellow like that?
Nicole: Hmmm, I’m not sure about it. Julianne is going to lose 20 lbs in that dress. I hope she re-hydrates.
Jen: Jane Levy from Suburgatory is cute in a bright blue Pamela Rolland. Not loving the cap sleeves, but the colour makes up for it.
Nicole: It’s just okay.
Jen: I’m back on E! Ryan Seacrest needs to ask more about the dress designers. Dude, you have ONE job!
Nicole: I know, lead with that damn question! I’m fast-forwarding until I see the elevator shot of the dress.
Jen: Hmmm…there’s a glimpse of Nicole Kidman. I need to see the full view, but a white dress with blue metallic sequins? I’m not feeling it.
Nicole: It looks like Nicole bought out the Botox store. How is she playing Grace Kelly? How?
Jen: I’m not loving her dress, but to be fair I can’t really focus on it because I’m MESMERIZED by her face. Jesus.
Nicole: Oh dear lord, is Claire Danes wearing a yellow Lanvin bedsheet?
Jen: Ahhhhhh! That’s terrible! She’s not pregnant enough to need a tent yet.
Nicole: Oh my god. Lucy Liu is a ROBOT.
Jen: Wow. Versace. It’s kind of hot, though! Very slinky. Her body is insane.
Nicole: Yeah, but she looks like C-3PO.
Jen: Ha! Zooey Deschanel‘s prom dress is threatening to squeeze Lucy off the podium.
Nicole: What is happening to Zooey? Such a stupid colour and pouffy dress!
Jen: Well, last year Zooey wore what looked like a patch of lawn at the Globes, so this is slightly better.
Nicole: She looks terrible. Again, from the neck up, she looks fine.
Jen: The E! people are gushing over Zooey’s dress. Are they suffering from heatstroke?
Nicole: It’s Kelly Osbourne. I trust nothing from someone with that hair colour.
Jen: Of course this blue puff of fluff is by Reem Acra. I kind of dig Zooey’s hair, though. Speaking of New Girl, did you happen to catch E’s interview with Max Greenfield? His wife was totally hogging his E! interview and now she’s VAMPING on the red carpet. WTF?
Nicole: Yuck. She’s all over him. seriously, get some self-esteem, or just talk to Jennifer westfeldt about Botox.
Jen: I don’t think Jennifer Westfeldt can give anyone lessons in self-esteem, unfortunately.
Nicole: Are you looking at Leslie Mann’s Naeem Khan dress?
Jen: Yeah. Love the orange skirt, but that top kills if for me. It looks like a doiley.
Nicole: It might actually be macramé. Wowza, Julianna Margulies‘ Giambattista Valli dress is lovely!
Jen: Right??
Nicole: And Kerry Washington looks pretty. It’s a better Vivenne Westwood dress than Tina Fey’s. I just wish the back wasn’t so high, though.
Jen: Wow, check out Julie Bowen. There’s so much yellow this year. Very strange.
Nicole: Look at her arms! She could bench press Seabiscuit.
Jen: Julie’s dress is looking bumpy. Which is weird, because she weighs 0.09 lbs. And the hair is not great. Very Blake Lively wannabe.
Nicole: Oh, Edie Falco is…not great.
Jen: Not at all.
Nicole: How does anyone look at those bangs and say, “Yup, that’s good”?
Jen: Ok, so the show starts in five minutes. Fashion roundup time! Let’s start with your least favourite looks.
Nicole: Kat Dennings in J Mendel and Zooey Deschanel in Reem Acra are my picks for worst dressed. You?
Jen: Claire Danes in Lanvin, Hayden Panettiere in Marchesa, Christina Hendricks in Christian Siriano, and Nicole Kidman in Antonio Berardi.
Nicole: Yup, all terrible.
Jen: Ok, who are your faves?
Nicole: Ginnifer Goodwin in Monique Lhuillier, Juliana Marguilies in Giambattista Valli and January Jones in Zac Posen.
Jen: Really? Ginnifer, huh? I’m not sure if I’m feeling you on that. My picks are Julianne Moore in Christian Dior, Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney, and Jessica Pare in Jason Wu.
Nicole: In the “if only” category, Kerry Washington – if only her Vivienne Westwood was backless, Elizabeth Moss – if only I were fashion-forward enough to like this, and Emily Van Camp – if only her J Mendel were a different colour
Jen: There were lots of recurring colours (reds, blues, mustard, wine, rings)
Nicole: And there were a ton of the strapless column dresses.
Jen: Overall, it was a decent carpet. Now I’m off to examine close-ups of Nicole Kidman’s face…