-Now that Jennifer Aniston has gone and totally screwed up the tabloid narrative about her sad sack life (how dare she?!), everyone’s scrambling to find a new dramatic angle. Unfortunately, it’s not going to come from her father. That report about him being blindsided by the news is false. (Of course it is. Victor knows everything!)
-Meanwhile, the engagement statement (and its timing) is being fully dissected. Personally, I’m more interested in when we’re going to get our first glimpse at the ring. It probably won’t be as good as this, but at least it can’t be worse than this.
–Kim Kardashian plans to stay with Kanye West until they’re 80 — even though she can’t even convince him to pick her up from the zoo.
-Meanwhile, Jeremy Renner is not a Kardashian fan, calling them “stupid, stupid people.”
-Congrats to Zach Galifianakis, who reportedly got hitched in British Columbia this weekend.
-God bless Jean-Claude Van Damme! After some gentle pushing from a reporter, he confessed to having a fling with his Street Fight costar, Kylie Minogue. “Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking. It would be abnormal not to have had an affair.”
-I may have related a bit too much to this article: “5 Reasons Parks and Recreation Ruined My Life.”
-Meanwhile, Parks and Rec released some cute, Olympic-themed promos.
-Fun! Toronto rapper K’’naan is planning to publish children’s book.
–Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds: still going strong, still too beautiful to look directly at.
-Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh! Aaron Paul just signed on to play JJ in the film adaptation of Nick Hornsby‘s A Long Way Down. Like I wasn’t already crushing on him enough…
-Following the closing ceremonies, the Spice Girls partied until sunset. Minus Victoria, of course.
–Kim Kardashian did a very Kim Kardashian-y thing by posting a buttastic photo on Twitter.
-Speaking of butts, Katy Perry accidentally showed hers when her bikini bottom fell down at a water park.
-Despite her lack of stability/career/talent, Lindsay Lohan is still rolling in it.
–Christina Aguilera does not consider Britney Spears a threat to her reality judge throne, in case you were wondering.
-Sad: Helen Gurley Brown has passed away at 90.
-Want to learn how to properly roll a joint? Just stare at Rihanna’s chest.
-NBC is trying to save Smash by staging a mini Will & Grace reunion and recruiting Sean Hayes for Season 2. Sorry, but it’s going to take a lot more than some “Just Jack!” jazzhands to lure me back.
-I love photos that make Jennifer Lopez look ridiculous. I also love photos that make Pitbull look ridiculous. So clearly, my love for this photo is endless.
–Kristin Chenoweth is cutting her Good Wife gig short to focus on healing following that head injury she sustained on the set.
-It must be love: Mila Kunis has even agreed to hang out with Ashton Kutcher on the set of Two and a Half Men. A fan snapped this pic with her.
-Meanwhile, if you need more reason to never watch Two and a Half Men, Miley Cyrus has just signed on to guest star.
–Miley Cyrus has had to go on the defensive after getting hated on for her new haircut.
-Sadness: Frank Ocean just cancelled a handful of tour dates, while R. Kelly has pulled the plug on that bananas-sounding concert cruise.
-The second trailer for Kristen Stewart‘s On the Road dropped last week. As if this thing wasn’t already a hard sell…